The Complexities of Attraction: Running from Loneliness or Desire for Real Connection?

Let’s turn on the moment of reflection button. You know that sensation when you’re scrolling through your phone, half-heartedly swiping left and right, trying to divert your mind from a day that is just… meh?
The lure to text someone—anyone—just to break the silence, even though you know deep down it’s not going to direct anywhere significant. It’s like trying to cure a headache with a sugar rush. Fast fix. Instant gratification. No long-term comfort. But, hey, we’ve all been there, right?
Attraction can be a complete minefield—especially when loneliness is at the spin. It’s easy to mistake the need for connection with the craving for a distraction. But let me tell you, there’s a big contrast between the two—oh yes!
As much as we’d like to consider that the next swipe, the next message, and the next date will fill the gap we’re trying to escape, it rarely does. It’s like trying to put a square peg in a round hole—you’re just not going to feel “whole”.
In my journey, after all the toxic relationships, I found myself frantic for any kind of connection to bypass the void inside. And let’s be honest, I wasn’t looking for profundity. I wasn’t looking for someone to understand me, love me, or grow with me. I was looking for a distraction. A temporary escape from the loneliness that had become my persistent companion. But here’s the reality as heavy as a brick: “Distraction doesn’t heal you.”
As philosopher Alain de Botton wisely said, “There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are only two people who are perfect for each other.”
And when we’re not in the right state of mind—when we’re healing, hurting, or searching for something to fill the emptiness—our judgment can get blurred. We settle for surface-level attraction, thinking it’ll solve everything. We actually construct a cycle of quick fixes that never reach the root of the matter at hand.
In my book, The Silent Abuse, I reflect on how I got hooked on this pattern. I was desperate for any connection that would make the pain of loneliness vanish. But the problem is that those shallow relationships only made me feel more isolated.
It was only after taking time to really heal and reconnect with myself that I realized how much I had been settling.
The truth is, that loneliness and true connection are two different things. Loneliness makes us reach for anything to fill the void, but real connection requires vulnerability, patience, and self-awareness.
As Dr. Brene Brown says—an American academic and podcaster—”Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” Genuine relationships are constructed on that intrepidity—the willingness to show up, be real, and be seen, not just as a way to fill a space, but as a way to truly connect.
So, how do we get out of this trap of loneliness masked as an attraction? It starts with self-awareness. It starts with retaining to sit with the discomfort of being alone and realizing that it is okay to take time to heal before jumping into something new. Only then can we create space for authentic, meaningful connections.
So, if you’re struggling with this, or if you’ve ever found yourself desperate to seek affinities out of loneliness rather than genuine passion, I encourage you to take a moment all to yourself and reflect.
Because when you finally stop running from loneliness—and begin to truly reflect and even search for real connections—the right people will come into your life, and they will stay—not because they fill in a void—but because they add something ravishing to your story.